My secret shame

This is the Zodiac speaking...
It's time once again for me to bare my soul to you, oh my dear readers, and dirge the tawdry depths of my shame. That's why we have the Internet, so I can anonymously tell everyone about the embarrassing shit I've done, and, let's be honest here, still continue to do. That's the funny thing about shame, it helps to have none, which is why I feel completely comfortable telling you about...

Movies that are good to masturbate to!

  I can't tell you how many times Phoebe Cates has walked in on me

My criteria for these films follows a very scientific set of principals; it has to be a movie that I wouldn't admit to watching in public, and it has to have hot chicks. I know that's hard to follow, but, just like in real life, science trumps all.

  Pictured: Science

Barb Wire (1996)

 

Now, having seen this movie no less that ten times, I still must refer to the Internet to explain the plot. IMDb tells me that; "21st century. USA. The second civil war. The whole country is in a state of emergency. What was formerly called the American Congress now rules with fascistic methods. There is only one free city left, Steel Harbor, headquarter for the resistance. This is the hometown of Barb Wire, owner of the night club Hammerhead." Still trying to remember if any of that is true.

 Are we sure it's not about a washed up playmate?

Maybe it's the fact that I could only watch Barb Wire in three minute segments that could account for my haze. Not remembering it I can't even say that it's a bad movie, all I can say for sure, is that it wasn't good. Keep in mind that it was '96 and her greatest acting role hadn't been released yet, so for a boy of fourteen, this was porn.

 Turns out, this, is porn

Spice World (1997)

 The world is apparently British

The Spice Girls, for those of you to young to remember, and if you are to young to remember perhaps you shouldn't be reading this because I occasionally use dirty words, fuck, were some sort of singing group, the likes of which wouldn't be seen again until a young youtube sensation would unite the world. 

 Fill in your own punchline here

Hiding their ample assets behind skimpy clothing and the annoying phrase "Girl Power" this fivesome was every teenage boys fantasy, the only problem was that the music sucked so bad that there wasn't nearly enough time to fire one out to one of their music videos. Remedy; let them star in their own feature length film.

  Setting a good example for our little girls

You can tell this is a great movie due to the completely random montage that has the ladies trying on different outfits.

  It really drove the plot forward

The House Bunny (2008)

When did Anna Faris become a sex symbol? Wasn't she the nerdy and slightly pretty girl from the Scary Movie franchise.

  Cute, but still, at best, the friend of the cute girl

Still somewhere, something, happened because that, became this...

  The glorious underboob

In this film we follow a washed up former playmate as she gets kicked out of the mansion for being to old, and heads off to college to give pretty girls with dumpy clothes on and, gasp, glasses, make overs. Revealing that the pretty girls are actually pretty.

  Well most of them are pretty

It is because of the unfortunate casting of Ms. Willis that the best part of this movie is the beginning, for self gratification reasons at least, and I'm sure the film ends with some sort of touching life lesson about how we shouldn't judge people based solely on appearance and blah blah blah blah. The ironic thing, I might have felt bad had I learned the moral.

  Stress: MIGHT have

 

 The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

 In all good science experiments there is the exception that proves the rule, and while this doesn't exactly qualify as a shitty movie it most certainly has hot chicks in it.

 Fun for all ages and fetishes

I watched this movie waiting, in vain, for the hot make out scene between Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt, or Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep, or Emily Blunt and Meryl Streep, or maybe all three together, yeah, that would be hot. Instead we get the typical story of the Hitleresque boss and the great looking ladies in high fashion.

  The Hitler analogy has given this movie a whole new twist

I'd never heard of Emily Blunt before this movie and having seen it, if she's anything like her character, which I'm under the impression that everyone who acts is just playing themselves, then she is a vapid, self centered bitch, who is emotionally broken and is desperately seeking some sort of approval. Just the way I like them!

 Please don't kill my fantasy in the comment section, I need this

 

So, if you ever find yourself cruising the isles of your local video store, those still exist don't they, looking for some sort of masturbatory aide and you happen to run into your third grade teacher. Grab The Devil Wears Prada, she may think your gay, but she won't believe that you're about to make God kill a kitten.

  I went to Catholic School and I'm pretty sure posting

this is a Hell worthy trespass