McBain The Movie!

This is the Zodiac speaking...
Saw this and shit my pants. Someone took all the clips of McBain from the Simpsons and cut them together into a pretty coherent story. I didn't make this, but wish I did. Enjoy!


My secret shame

This is the Zodiac speaking...
It's time once again for me to bare my soul to you, oh my dear readers, and dirge the tawdry depths of my shame. That's why we have the Internet, so I can anonymously tell everyone about the embarrassing shit I've done, and, let's be honest here, still continue to do. That's the funny thing about shame, it helps to have none, which is why I feel completely comfortable telling you about...

Movies that are good to masturbate to!
  I can't tell you how many times Phoebe Cates has walked in on me

My criteria for these films follows a very scientific set of principals; it has to be a movie that I wouldn't admit to watching in public, and it has to have hot chicks. I know that's hard to follow, but, just like in real life, science trumps all.
  Pictured: Science

Barb Wire (1996)
Now, having seen this movie no less that ten times, I still must refer to the Internet to explain the plot. IMDb tells me that; "21st century. USA. The second civil war. The whole country is in a state of emergency. What was formerly called the American Congress now rules with fascistic methods. There is only one free city left, Steel Harbor, headquarter for the resistance. This is the hometown of Barb Wire, owner of the night club Hammerhead." Still trying to remember if any of that is true.
 Are we sure it's not about a washed up playmate?

Maybe it's the fact that I could only watch Barb Wire in three minute segments that could account for my haze. Not remembering it I can't even say that it's a bad movie, all I can say for sure, is that it wasn't good. Keep in mind that it was '96 and her greatest acting role hadn't been released yet, so for a boy of fourteen, this was porn.
 Turns out, this, is porn

Spice World (1997)
 The world is apparently British

The Spice Girls, for those of you to young to remember, and if you are to young to remember perhaps you shouldn't be reading this because I occasionally use dirty words, fuck, were some sort of singing group, the likes of which wouldn't be seen again until a young youtube sensation would unite the world. 
 Fill in your own punchline here

Hiding their ample assets behind skimpy clothing and the annoying phrase "Girl Power" this fivesome was every teenage boys fantasy, the only problem was that the music sucked so bad that there wasn't nearly enough time to fire one out to one of their music videos. Remedy; let them star in their own feature length film.
  Setting a good example for our little girls

You can tell this is a great movie due to the completely random montage that has the ladies trying on different outfits.
  It really drove the plot forward

The House Bunny (2008)

When did Anna Faris become a sex symbol? Wasn't she the nerdy and slightly pretty girl from the Scary Movie franchise.
  Cute, but still, at best, the friend of the cute girl

Still somewhere, something, happened because that, became this...
  The glorious underboob

In this film we follow a washed up former playmate as she gets kicked out of the mansion for being to old, and heads off to college to give pretty girls with dumpy clothes on and, gasp, glasses, make overs. Revealing that the pretty girls are actually pretty.
  Well most of them are pretty

It is because of the unfortunate casting of Ms. Willis that the best part of this movie is the beginning, for self gratification reasons at least, and I'm sure the film ends with some sort of touching life lesson about how we shouldn't judge people based solely on appearance and blah blah blah blah. The ironic thing, I might have felt bad had I learned the moral.
  Stress: MIGHT have

 The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
 In all good science experiments there is the exception that proves the rule, and while this doesn't exactly qualify as a shitty movie it most certainly has hot chicks in it.
 Fun for all ages and fetishes

I watched this movie waiting, in vain, for the hot make out scene between Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt, or Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep, or Emily Blunt and Meryl Streep, or maybe all three together, yeah, that would be hot. Instead we get the typical story of the Hitleresque boss and the great looking ladies in high fashion.
  The Hitler analogy has given this movie a whole new twist

I'd never heard of Emily Blunt before this movie and having seen it, if she's anything like her character, which I'm under the impression that everyone who acts is just playing themselves, then she is a vapid, self centered bitch, who is emotionally broken and is desperately seeking some sort of approval. Just the way I like them!
 Please don't kill my fantasy in the comment section, I need this
So, if you ever find yourself cruising the isles of your local video store, those still exist don't they, looking for some sort of masturbatory aide and you happen to run into your third grade teacher. Grab The Devil Wears Prada, she may think your gay, but she won't believe that you're about to make God kill a kitten.
  I went to Catholic School and I'm pretty sure posting
this is a Hell worthy trespass 


Back by popular demand: More Boobs!

This is the Zodiac speaking...
After receiving such overwhelming attention to my last post I decided to follow my mother's advice "Make sure you flaunt the titties, son." Maybe that wasn't something that she said, maybe.
 "My mother told me that too! "

Only this time instead of looking at films that have boob shots, let's look at some of our best endowed actresses, and the things they are famous for.
Jennifer Love Hewitt


She'll never be the one accepting an Oscar, or an Emmy, an any type of accolades that involve great acting. That being said however, she'll always be able to find some sort of work. No matter how asinine the premise.
  I don't know why the Ghost's always talk to me?
We watched her grow up on Party of Five, well you watched her, I actually had better shit to do, like, well, nothing really. Just wouldn't be caught dead watching that show. She followed up her turn as a child star with more grown up fare, playing the teen protagonist in campy horror movies. Which gave us some of the best cleavage jiggles in the history of film. 
I'm emoting!!!
After that she did a few other films that no one remembers, and a television show that we wish we didn't. All she seems to be known for now is some tabloid calling her fat.
  Phat Titties!
Salma Hayek
The Latin flavor that graces our list comes from a beautiful actress that I remember mostly for her roles as a stripper.
   a stripper angel
This Vampire doesn't sparkle
But unlike the last actress on our list this girl actually has some acclaim attached to her name. She garnered Academy attention with her portrayal of Frida Kahlo. Something about making hot chicks ugly really calls attention to an actress. FYI she does appear nude in the film, if you can get past the whole eyebrow thing.
  And it is hard to get past
Charlize Theron
Speaking of making yourself ugly for a role in order to gain a little gold statue, I submit for your pleasure, a woman who actually won the Oscar.
   What some people will do for attention...
Charlize's career is full of great material for the spank bank, she's a fucking model for God's sake. A personal favorite of mine is the rather crappy remake of a cartoon Aeon Flux.
  Can't figure out why this didn't make $100 million, oh yeah,
the story was terrible. But still...
You can see Ms. Theron nude in the devils advocate, although you really don't want to. It was a really good movie and all, it's just that the circumstances behind the nudity... well let us not dwell on the negative, let's just look at another shot of her.
  Oh the glorious side boob, is there anything better?
Scarlett Johansson
Scarlett first came to my attention while watching a movie called Ghost World, which I only watched because my girlfriend at the time was a big Steve Buscemi fan and I was trying to get laid. Mission accomplished by the way. However it wasn't until recently that a really took note of all her talents.
   Pictured: Talent
The best thing about her is that she seems to know what it is that is making her a star and is by no means shy when it comes to showing it. Be it in period pieces...
  huh huh huh... period
Or even the more family friendly fare...
  Bet I know this kid's first memory
Whatever might be the next shitty film she undertakes, we all just sit and pray that she never forgets why she is famous.
  Whatever that reason might be
Thus ends my opus, and will head back to writing all that shit that none of you want to read, chances are you're not even reading this now and all you did was look at the pretty pictures. Know your audience, that's what they say.
  What to talk about next?


Ode to the Boobies

This is the Zodiac speaking...
Taking a suggestion from my friend, Mrs. Boobies, I decided to write a post on the most glorious boob shots in film history.
 Not the type I'm talking about

Where oh where to begin, how about some breasts that are part of Americana.
Phoebe Cates in Fast Times
Take a shitty movie about coming of age high schooler's set in the early 1980's and you have, we can all agree, a complete waste of time.  Spicoli, before he learned to act, pissing off Mr. Hand, and Judge Reinhold trying to act cool, poised as the next leading man. What's the best way to describe cinema of this fare?
If only there were some way to make kids actually want to watch a movie like this... Shit, I've got it! Boooooobs!!!!
  Those are the ones I'm talking about!
Every copy of this movie on VHS was impossible to watch because of stress lines on the tape. You see kids, before the Internet was a bastion for free porn, we all had to watch garbage like this. And because the scene is only thirty seconds long, give or take, and keeps getting interrupted by Judge Reinhold beating off, it was necessary to pause the tape at the sweet spot, causing stress on it, resulting in visible lines on the screen. We've seen now how boobs can save a bad movie is there a thing as boobs in a good movie?
  Boobs make every movie good, no matter how absurd.
Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams
in Brokeback Mountain
A movie all about a love affair between two cowboys is not the type of thing we are talking about here, Zodiac. Maybe it's because this movie does have some rough man on man sex that Ang Lee decreed to the heavens "There must be BOOBS!"
   And Boobs there were, and it was good
Maybe it's just me, but there is something sexier about these mainstream actress' going topless for the sake of art that turns me on more than some ex-playmate whose casting couched her way into the stardom, allegedly.
  Shhh... She has no idea I'm talking about her.
Not to mention spending three terrible years watching a boobless show on UPN wanting to see some sort of nudity, from anyone.  Especially when the girl in question is supposed to be playing the slut role. Or the Girl next door whose all pure and innocent, I'd of taken either.
Check out   "The Gift  "
"Huh huh huh, I saw Joey's boob's " 
And we all saw yours.
Gratuitous Boobs for the
sake of gratuity
Is there ever a time in your life where you sit back and look at the decisions you've made and feel ashamed.
  Don't know what I'm talking about?
A personal sort of spank bank fare that makes you feel embarrassed while taking it to the video counter? 
I could just be some sort of pervert?
Something that you would never admit in public that you watched, over, and over, again?
  I thought it was about Robert Johnson, I swear
Maybe I'm the only one who has ever felt confused?
  Okay, this was really just for shit's and giggle's
I guess what I'm getting at here is that as long as I have testicles, I am going to want to watch movies, no matter how bad they might be, with boobs. Be it a side boob, a little bit of cleavage, or the full blown titty. There will never be a film to bad to watch, as long as the mammories remain ample, I like asses too.
  Yes that is a Bikini, you're so smart and funny!



This is the Zodiac speaking...
I haven't posted in a while and just want everyone to know that despite what all of you are telling me to do, I am not going to quit. I would like to say that work has got me down and I have been really busy lately, but we all know that's complete bullshit. To be honest I've been streaming Monk on Netflix while playing Final Fantasy 13.
Fucking Love Monk!
Now I ask you to help me out here, how about some fucking suggestions? I could sit here and tell you all how banal the last movie I watched was, but that's hardly entertaining. Especially when it wasn't.
  It was great, go ahead and watch it!
Of course I realize that you all are so busy that it is, without a doubt, beyond your ability to even write comments, so maybe I'm asking to much of you, my faithful, and humble readers. Even considering that of my ten followers, which sadly I am one, can't figure out how I did it and damned if I'm going to try to figure out how to remove myself, I personally know half of you, and me. Kori, looking your way sweetie, help me out a little here, I voted for the toolbox/toy box! I admit that as of late I have been a little discouraged, and having a serve narcissistic personality, it has crossed my mind to give it all up. Then again, if I did, how could I make Pat giggle?
  " My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad. "
Kevin Smith quotes always do it for Patty