The four best fictional holidays that television has given us.

This is the Zodiac speaking...
With mother's day passing only a few weeks ago I find it time to point out some other fictitious holidays that the world of television has given us. Before we begin I want to stop all of you ladies right there, Mother's day is a bullshit holiday created by Halmark solely for the purpose of selling cards. It's not REAL, not like Father's Day. Am I right guys!? Now that we've got that established, let's begin.

Freedom Day- Futurama
  Pictured: The Freedom Day dance. Looks fun, eh?
In the future the World is overrun by weird ass aliens and surprisingly attractive one eyed mutants. With so many different cultures melding together we were bound to come up with some new holidays. Something along the lines of Boxing Day meets Cinco de Mayo, or maybe just a global rip off of Independence Day. While the former would've led to some great wacky adventures, Freedom Day is more like the latter. Freedom Day is all about doing whatever you want, regardless of the consequences.  No doubt a further reincarnation of the "Do what you feel festival" started in the town of Springfield a thousand years earlier.
 Did I mention Nixon was President? What a
crazy future we live in! Or will live in.
Traditions: Doing whatever you want, eating the flag of Earth "Old Freebie", nude hot tubing. 
Happy Freedom Day!
Yak Shaving Day- Ren and Stimpy
For children there is no more exciting day than Yaksmas Eve. The little ones hang their soiled diapers on the mantelpiece all in anticipation of hearing the enchanted canoe, which carries, none other than, the Gilded Yak. It is hoped, that if the children are good, the Gilded Yak will enter the house via the bathtub drain and leave shaving scum in the sink. 
Those better be soiled!
Traditions: Hanging soiled diapers, filling your uncle's boots with coleslaw, leaving a bowl of hat lather by the sink.
  A must have for Yak Shaving Day!
Festivus- Seinfeld
A Festivus for the rest of us. Fed up with the commercialism that has tainted the holiday season Frank Costanza invents the holiday know as Festivus. Celebrated on the 23rd of December, family members gather around the Festivus Pole, usually made of aluminum, which offers a high strength to weight ratio, and prepares for the airing of grievances, where each person takes turns explaining ways the others have disappointed them throughout the year. After dinner, it is time for the feats of strength, wherein Festivus will not end until the head of the household has been pinned.
   Which can be surprisingly harder than it appears.
Traditions: The Festivus Pole, Airing of Grievances, Feats of Strength, claiming easily explainable events as "Festivus Miracles"
  Another Festivus Miracle!
Whacking Day- The Simpsons
 Always be prepared for Whacking Day!

Legend has it that town founder, Jebediah Springfield, started the tradition back in 1775 but history has a more sordid tale. Whacking day was originally started in 1924 as an excuse to beat up the Irish. Now every May 10th the citizens of Springfield gather to drive the snakes to the center of town and whack them to snake heaven. Luminaries such as Barry White and Richard Nixon have taken part in the traditions over the years.
 For being dead, Nixon sure gets around
Traditions: Killing snakes, unwarranted beatings of the Irish
It's easier if they're old and very stereotypical


Anonymous said...

HAHAH! The Barbie orgy is priceless!

Anyhoo--you need to enable email responding in your profile so I can reply to your comments.

Yes, they're implants...obvi! :)

Have a good one!

P said...

excellent, and very true. not a big fan of coleslaw in my boots. Just saying...

Mr. Xploit, Esquire said...

Hey Zodiac, I just wrote a check with your name and made it out to the human fund. Hope that's ok!

Zodiac said...

Wait a minute... the Human Fund isn't Real! Damn You!