Let's finish this, #3, 2, and 1 worst remakes

This is the Zodiac speaking...
I'm tired of dicking around with these individual posts and find myself with some spare time so I think it's about time I finish this list I'm writing. Worst of all I keep wanting to write other things but for continuities sake I need to finish whatever the hell it is I'm writing at the time. No more fucking around...

#3 Cloverfield
Cloverfield was J.J. Abrams take on the classic Godzilla films and the the remake that has Godzilla destroying New York instead of Tokyo, all to the tune of the worst version of Kashmir I've ever heard.
Don't remember Plant saying "Uh, uh, uh" so much
Cloverfield starts with a bunch of New York hipsters filming their awesome hipster party when the shit hits the fan, figuratively, literally, a giant monster comes out of the sea and starts to destroy the city. See why it's just a remake of Godzilla? Hiding the full view of the monster is okay for the first bit of the film but seeing him clearly is a necessity for later in the film, you get that J.J.? Cause it sure as shit doesn't seem like you understand. While we are at it, having a budget of forty thousand dollars makes it okay to use a person running around with a handheld camera, see The Blair Witch Project, but you don't need to try every gimmick in the world if you just tell a decent story, guess I can't blame you to much, Lost was great.
  We liked Cloverfield, and hated Lost. We also like ironic gay sex.
#2 Clash of the Titans
Harry Hamlin owned the role of Perseus, I fell into the belief that he was indeed the half son of a God, with his perfectly tanned skin and expertly coiffed hair.
   Hey guys check this out... Shit. Sorry.
What made the original so great was the fact that it wasn't. Piss poor special effects, hackneyed writing, and hilarious battle sequences are what makes this a classic, and as George Lucas has proven time and time again, classic movies are better without forcing in new technologies and CGI. In this case it was the invention of 3D. Keep in mind that this film was not shot in 3D, but that didn't stop the filmmakers from trying to milk a little more money out of the audience by forcing it in. I've never been to 3D movie, and have no real urge to. However if I did I would go to one like Avatar, which wasn't that good of a movie to begin with, that was actually shot in the format instead of using a bunch of cheap tricks like throwing shit at the camera. This sort of movie insults humanity at it's core and needs to be done away with.
  I've got a new idea for a special edition! What if everything were to pop out at you?!?!
#1 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Tim Burton has been known lately for remaking classic movies and turning them into pure, unadulterated, shit.
 He also stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks!
Casting Gene Wilder in the role he was born to play was a divine choice, recasting his role with Johnny Depp, who I consider a good actor, was blasphemous. Tim Burton has gone past the point of creativity and fallen into his ideal of "look at me I'm a tortured starving artist," the problem with that, is that he is no longer tortured, nor starving, and I guess he can still be considered an artist in so much as a comic book tracer is also an artist.
"I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fucking body, you fuck!
The fucked up psychedelic trip through a eccentric man's candy factory, wondering what Willy Wonka's manic side does at night with the Oompa Loompa's, freaking out on a ten year old about Fizzy Lifting Drinks, and the heart shown when Charlie passes the test and takes his first ride in the glass elevator, could never be equaled, and this just goes to show, it would take the biggest douche in the Universe to try.
Editor's Note: Not any more you're not, you douche.


P said...

excellent placement kid. great read. - P

Zodiac said...

I did put that in for you Patty