6.19.2011

Why you shouldn't read books

This is the Zodiac speaking...
As I mentioned in my last post, I have an incredibly hard time doing only one thing at a time. I watch television when I play video games, I eat while I shit, and I chew gum while I walk.
 Harder than you think.

In accordance with my constant need for stimulation I have the habit of listening to audio books while I'm at work. For clarification reasons I want you all to know that I only listen to unabridged books, meaning every word of the book is read, as opposed to abridged books, that are shortened, kind of like movies. This is where you all can talk about how an audio book isn't the same as actually reading and puritanical hipster bullshit involving a history lesson about Gutenberg. To all that I say, fuck you and your Kindle.
 "I put my Kindle inside a book before it was cool. "

It was only a couple of days ago that I finished "The Three Musketeer's" by Alexandre Dumas. It was a mere four hours into the twenty four hours of audio that I began to notice a problem... the story didn't seem to match the movie I had seen. I'm talking about the 1993 Disney movie, with Kiefer Sutherland, Tim Curry, and Charlie "Winning" Sheen playing a priest, perhaps the greatest casting decision ever.
 "Then Jesus ascended into Heaven.. "

I understand that it is hard to take a book with a days worth of content and turn it into a two hour movie, things obviously have to be dropped. I also am fully aware that Disney doesn't have the greatest track record when it comes to converting it's base material for the big screen, just read The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
  Gets hanged for attempted murder

 Steals Esmeralda's corpse and dies of starvation

It wouldn't be the best ending to pitch to the children, so it is understandable why Disney felt they had to change it, but a whole fucking movie. The only thing Disney used from the book were the names of the Musketeers, and the fact that there were three of them. Imagine my surprise while reading this book, the whole plot of the movie, never showed up! Disney would have you believe that the Musketeers had been outlawed and Cardinal Richelieu was plotting to overthrow the King, none of that shit happened. 
  Source material doesn't need to be followed!

The only problem with all this is no one has read the book, at least no one I know. Pat. So when I talk about the book all I get are confused stares and, one fellow, a big mongoloidish steroid popping fucker, actually punched me. As I lay on the ground checking to see if I still had all my teeth, pondering over what all this "high falutin book learnin" has gotten me, I decided, fuck it, I'll never read again. 
  Education is painful

Books are for pretentious assholes who want to show off how smart they are. Movies are for the Gods. It doesn't matter if Romeo and Juliet run off to Rome and live happily ever after, or instead of a murder suicide Gatsby runs off with Daisy and gives up his mansion and his riches to an orphanage, only to live a poor farmers life in South Dakota. I have learned that no one reads anymore, especially the writers of movies, and to fit into the society I have chosen, neither should I. 
  The Valedictorian of my Senior Class

To ensure that I have the same knowledge as all of my contemporaries, I will now only get information on the classic works of Literature from my masters, the movie studios. I want to fit in with the uneducated, unwashed masses spending my time watching marathons of American Chopper. I'm not cynical, I don't even know what that means. Someone once wrote "Ignorance is bliss," can't tell you who wrote it, but I do remember hearing it in "The Matrix." 
  This dude said it

2 comments:

Cameron said...

I remember when we was reading books before the moving pictures about them books came out

Boobies said...

Books are overrated!