5 films made better by last minute acting changes

This is the Zodiac speaking...
Think of every one of your favorite movies and the actors that made the roles iconic, now replace that actor with Clint Howard.

 "You want me to be Batman?"

The way that Hollywood works, this could actually be a reality. Due to conflicting schedules, pressures from studio heads, and even the occasional, but rare, the actor is demanding to much money, some of our favorite characters could have been very, very, different. How different you ask?

John Travolta as Forrest Gump

  

The man who brought raw emotion to Mr. Kotter's class as Vinny Barbarino was originally cast to play the plucky manchild who, despite his mental deficiencies, went on to quite the amazing life. You know what, maybe it was the role he was born to play. 

  Shown here; raw emotion

After seeing Tom Hanks play the role of Forrest it is admittedly hard to conceive of anyone else bringing the heart wrenching portrayal, especially the man who brought us Battlefield Earth. I admit I like Travolta in some of his roles, Pulp Fiction anyone, but can't seem to get past the thought that he would have gone full retard. 

 You never go full retard!

Bill Murray as Batman

We've all learned growing up that "Bill Murray is the shit." That was the first sentence I ever spoke, and my overly conservative parents decided that was the first time I would know the taste of soap. Take Mr. Murray and any shitty comedy script, put them together, and you have gold. Don't believe me, go watch The Man Who Knew To Little. Exactly.

   Pure comedy

Alas, as much respect I have for him, he would make a terrible Batman. Not the old school Adam West Batman, which is what they wanted him to be, but the Tim Burton Dark Knight, which is why he lost out on the role. Michael Keaton would be cast to replace him and rightfully so, because we all know that Burton has no sense of humor.

  Joel Schumacher however...

The Godfather

This is a twofer. Originally cast in the role of Don Corleone, was Sir Lawrence Olivier, and his son Michael was to be played by none other than Robert DeNiro. This entry is a little different because both actors are well acclaimed and rightfully so.

   They used to be acclaimed, anyway.

Had Olivier not been sick, and Coppola not been so insistent, we would have never seen Kleenex become the most ingeniously used prop, outside of porno, ever. As for DeNiro, he would have torn up the role of Michael, probably earning and Oscar, just like he did by playing a younger version of the Don in Part Two. Which only leads to the question, who would have played the young Don had Robert been cast as Michael?

  "I can learn to speak Italian."

This is a hard one because it's really easy to replace great actors from one genre with great actors from that same genre. But what happens when you try to replace a robot with a tool in a sci fi film?

Will Smith as Neo

The fresh prince in all his cocky swagger was the one. Who is the one you ask, go back a few posts and read my review of the Matrix. It's a mix between The Chronicles of Narnia and the Terminator where the Jesus allegory Neo fights the machines for the fate of the human race.

    "I'm playing Jesus? Whoa!"

Thankfully, this concept was a little to hard for Will Smith to understand. I can not picture Smith, using his swagger and smarmy street talk, pulling of the doubtful disbelief that is required of the character. The movie is all about a man being told he is Jesus and not believing it, and requires a humble robot to enforce this fact. But don't worry about Will Smith, he filmed another blockbuster instead.

  This was a hit right?

Neil Diamond as Travis Bickle

Wait, what the fuck. Really?

   OK I guess I see it.

I must state that I am not making this shit up. Neil Diamond the multi platinum recording artist was staged to cock block Robert DeNiro in one of his most iconic roles. Diamond, instead, filmed The Jazz Singer, according to IMDB, his only starring role, and then fell back into what he does best, making music that when I sing, gets me picked on by the cool kids. As for DeNiro, who ended up with the role, nothing else became of him and he floated away into the flotsam that is Hollywood, rumor has it he ended up doing porn.

  Terrible actor, fucking great musician.

 

The worst movie adaptation of a famous book

This is the Zodiac speaking...
In preparation for the upcoming cinematic version of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand I want to take a look at one of the worst movies ever to be made from amazing source material.

 I said amazing source material

I of course am referring to 1984 by George Orwell. An in depth look at a dystopian future and a precautionary tale of a Totalitarian government run amok. "Big Brother is watching you" has worked it's way into the lexicon of our modern age and rightly so, the idea of a government spying on it's own citizens becomes more and more of a possibility.

 I thought San Francisco was in Iraq.

 

The book deals with the intricacies of English Socialism, the destruction of words through the use of New Speak, and, of course, the control of people through double think. The drama of the story is in the mind of the hero Winston as he commits the only real crime left, thought crime. Hopefully you, my educated, handsome, or gorgeous for the ladies, readers out there can see why this would fail on screen.

 A rough sampling of my readers

 

When the drama takes place in the main characters head, and he is dealing with a very involved look at the depths of a twisted government, it's kind of hard to project that on the screen, and with any literary adaptation, that isn't a children's book, there are concepts that are either dropped or not fully fleshed out. There just isn't enough screen time to fit it all in.

  The entire book made it to film, sparkling and all.

 

Orwell crafted one of the best stories ever written, a cautionary tale full of insight into what a government might become if left unchecked. He invented the language of New Speak and even put in an addendum explaining why it was necessary for control of the people of Oceania and the governing rules that apply. The movie showed some torture and briefly skimmed over the rest of the material. To prove why the book is so powerful and the movie so vague, we need only to look at the three tenets of Ingsoc: War is Peace; Freedom is Slavery; Ignorance is Strength. The book makes us understand these, the movie... well, find out for yourselves.

  "What if instead of explaining things, we just have shit randomly blow up?"

 

Now, a desperate attempt to get some comments. What is your opinion on the worst literary adaptation ever aborted by Hollywood? Leave your comments and I will belittle your opinion and tell you how your book/movie is still not as bad as mine. 

The Matrix

This is the Zodiac speaking...
Last night I went on a marathon viewing session that started with the Matrix, and many smoke breaks later, ended with the Matrix Revolutions.

 I might have a problem.

I was still in High School when the first movie came out and I remember a certain clique of pre-hipster kids getting all excited for it. I, like always, waited for it to come out on video and have to say, I was impressed. I mean, fuck man, BULLET TIME!! The first movie combined a perfect mix of action, disbelief, dogma, and board like acting from Keanu Reeves. Then it somehow went horribly wrong.

 

One of these things stared in Bill and Ted, after that, he lost all human emotions.

 

Now before I start getting reamed by all of you people and your fancy minor degrees in philosophy, let me say that was the part of the movie I enjoyed. I get that parts were supposed to be vague, the whole "we cannot see past our decisions that we don't understand," and "the Merovingian can make cake that will make you cum." I just can't help but feel a little cheated on the mythos because we had to fit so many fight scenes in.

  "I would've put in more explosions"

 

Let's go through them shall we: Reloaded: Trinity fights the people at the power station; Neo fights the agents, unprovoked temple dancing, while not a fight, completely unnecessary; Neo fights Seraph; Neo fights the Smiths; Neo versus the Merovingian's henchmen; Trinity and Morpheous against the Twins and Agents on the Freeway; Everyone taking out the power grid; Neo and Morpheous against more Smiths; Trinity at the power station, again, then against an Agent; Neo blows up the sentinels; and that is just one film. Revolutions isn't much better, in fact, it's worse. To not bore the shit out of you I won't go into it here.

Shit, I lost you didn't I?

 

All I'm saying is that if you are going to create some deep philosophical story, then stick to it. I realize the need for fighting and action in this action film, and don't need to be reminded how awesome bullet time is. The Matrix was a classic allegory, and the sequels opened the door to something much bigger, much deeper, only in cliffs notes version because no one had thrown a punch in five minutes.

  This would've required less fast forwarding.

 

Famous Celebrities and their Outrageously Hot Daughters

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Being famous has its perks, namely having sex with many beautiful women. Sometimes these women get pregnant, "accidentally," even though they assure you that they are on the pill and probably barren anyway so there is no need to wear that condom. Luckily for us, these happy accidents sometimes make us have happy accidents, in our pants, masturbation jokes are funny.

Steven and Liv Tyler

 

This old recovering junkie with permanent duck face is, for those of you who didn't know, a rock star, not just a judge on American Idol. Back when he was still making music he could, and probably did, have any woman he wanted. Fat or thin, young or old, real or imaginary, Steven, in true rock star fashion, did them all. He probably even nailed the hot young girls in his videos, all except one, hopefully.

Am I a good stripper Daddy?

 

Just so everyone knows, writing that caption made me feel dirty. That is Steven's daughter Liv, and that is a shot from Aerosmith's music video for Crazy. This is what happens when a rock legend knocks up a Playboy Playmate. Liv has earned her own place in Americana by appearing in The Lord of the Rings and shitty horror movies, but for me her place in the spank bank will always be on stage, stripping for Alicia Silverstone to the soundtrack of her daddy's music. I'm going to go take a shower now.

 My first menage a trois

 

Chris and Abby Elliott

 

 

Proof that funny gets you laid I submit for your perusal, Chris Elliot. Seeing as how I am about as attractive as this fellow, only with more hair, I won't listen to any arguments on the contrary, it's all I have to hold on to. How do I know that funny equals sexy?

 No creepy stripping for my daddy thing here! I'm sorry

I really don't know why I keep going there.

 

Go ahead and scroll back up and look at Abby's father again. I realize that it takes two to make the child, but with a father like that her mom must be an angel. Abby has also proven to me that humor must be sexually transmitted because she is following in her father's footsteps by appearing with a very unfunny group on SNL. Might I suggest someone start writing "Cabin Girl."

 My parents aren't funny.

 

Donald and Ivanka Trump 

 

 

Hair like that and he still bangs more models than anyone on this list. Proof that it is good to be the Donald, well at least good to be a billionaire. Kids out there take note, having billions of dollars makes it easier to get into the pants of hot women than any other reason. If that statement offended any of you then I ask that you share some of those happy pills with me and we can both kick back and watch the rose colored world go on without us. Now, kids, what's the best way to get your hands on some of those billions? Do like those gold digging bitches and marry into it. Now sometimes that is a disgusting possibility, see above, but other times, well...

  Best of both worlds!

 

With Ivanka, you really do get the best of it. Not only is she hot but she stands to inherit all that money that Donald has been hoarding, when he isn't plating his name in gold on one of his buildings. If you are planning on making a move on her, and quite frankly I'm not sure if you can, I haven't done a whole lot of research here, then do it quick before Donald wastes his fortune running for President. Then again, you could be nailing the First Daughter. God, I really hope not.

  I think you need to have a OT III to nail the first daughter.

 

 

Rowan and Gemma Atkinson

 

  

Proving that it's not only Americans that breed out of their social class, I ask the court to take into evidence Mr. Bean himself, Rowan Atkinson. I've never been to England and from what I can tell on the BBC, Rowan is actually considered quite handsome over on the Isles, by British standards anyway, and maybe Black Adder is just irreverent British slang for penis size. I keep telling myself this because...

  Maybe my mother cheated on him?

 

This is Gemma. My understanding of high school science tells me this shouldn't be possible. It is because of her that I believe Darwin was correct in stating that there will be mutations in the gene pool. I think it is only fair that we start a movement to keep Rowan breeding until his adder falls off.

  I like jam too, we have so much in common!

 

 

 

Let's finish this, #3, 2, and 1 worst remakes

This is the Zodiac speaking...
I'm tired of dicking around with these individual posts and find myself with some spare time so I think it's about time I finish this list I'm writing. Worst of all I keep wanting to write other things but for continuities sake I need to finish whatever the hell it is I'm writing at the time. No more fucking around...

#3 Cloverfield

 

Cloverfield was J.J. Abrams take on the classic Godzilla films and the the remake that has Godzilla destroying New York instead of Tokyo, all to the tune of the worst version of Kashmir I've ever heard.

Don't remember Plant saying "Uh, uh, uh" so much

 

Cloverfield starts with a bunch of New York hipsters filming their awesome hipster party when the shit hits the fan, figuratively, literally, a giant monster comes out of the sea and starts to destroy the city. See why it's just a remake of Godzilla? Hiding the full view of the monster is okay for the first bit of the film but seeing him clearly is a necessity for later in the film, you get that J.J.? Cause it sure as shit doesn't seem like you understand. While we are at it, having a budget of forty thousand dollars makes it okay to use a person running around with a handheld camera, see The Blair Witch Project, but you don't need to try every gimmick in the world if you just tell a decent story, guess I can't blame you to much, Lost was great.

  We liked Cloverfield, and hated Lost. We also like ironic gay sex.

 

#2 Clash of the Titans

 

Harry Hamlin owned the role of Perseus, I fell into the belief that he was indeed the half son of a God, with his perfectly tanned skin and expertly coiffed hair.

   Hey guys check this out... Shit. Sorry.

 

What made the original so great was the fact that it wasn't. Piss poor special effects, hackneyed writing, and hilarious battle sequences are what makes this a classic, and as George Lucas has proven time and time again, classic movies are better without forcing in new technologies and CGI. In this case it was the invention of 3D. Keep in mind that this film was not shot in 3D, but that didn't stop the filmmakers from trying to milk a little more money out of the audience by forcing it in. I've never been to 3D movie, and have no real urge to. However if I did I would go to one like Avatar, which wasn't that good of a movie to begin with, that was actually shot in the format instead of using a bunch of cheap tricks like throwing shit at the camera. This sort of movie insults humanity at it's core and needs to be done away with.

  I've got a new idea for a special edition! What if everything were to pop out at you?!?!

 

#1 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

 

Tim Burton has been known lately for remaking classic movies and turning them into pure, unadulterated, shit.

 He also stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks!

 

Casting Gene Wilder in the role he was born to play was a divine choice, recasting his role with Johnny Depp, who I consider a good actor, was blasphemous. Tim Burton has gone past the point of creativity and fallen into his ideal of "look at me I'm a tortured starving artist," the problem with that, is that he is no longer tortured, nor starving, and I guess he can still be considered an artist in so much as a comic book tracer is also an artist.

"I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fucking body, you fuck!

 

The fucked up psychedelic trip through a eccentric man's candy factory, wondering what Willy Wonka's manic side does at night with the Oompa Loompa's, freaking out on a ten year old about Fizzy Lifting Drinks, and the heart shown when Charlie passes the test and takes his first ride in the glass elevator, could never be equaled, and this just goes to show, it would take the biggest douche in the Universe to try.

 I AM an ARTIST!

Editor's Note: Not any more you're not, you douche.

 

 

#4 worst remake ever

This is the Zodiac speaking...
Work is over again for the next week so I finally find time to return to my posts, the World has waited with baited breath. Well maybe not that anxiously, but I assure you, someone, me, has been really pissed that there has not been an update for a few days. If I knew were this Zodiac lived I would drive over there and threaten him with some sort of personal violence, and, failing that, I might just send him a strongly worded email to myfakeemail1969@Gmail.com, that would show him. Incidentally that is a good way to get a hold of me with any ideas or the like that you might have. If you haven't stopped reading after that ham fisted attempt to get some sort of feedback from you people, then good 'cause today we'll continue with our look into shitty movie remakes. If you haven't guessed based off of the ad on the side then today we take a look at #4...

The Day the Earth Stood Still

 

What we have here is one of the first science fiction films that served as a warning to the future. Having not just ten years earlier dropping atomic weapons on Japan this served as a cautionary tale about mankind's destructive nature. Klattu, an alien, comes to Earth with his giant robot companion, Gort, representing a federation of other alien planets who have been watching our planet and not liking the results of our interactions with each other. What do we do to strange men who wish to spread a message of peace and tolerance? We fucking shoot them, that's what.

He's got a flower! Kill him!

 

Now shooting an advanced species who has mastered intergalactic travel is usually considered a bad idea, luckily for everyone in this imaginary Earth, Klaatu was only wounded and stopped Gort from laser beaming the shit out of all of us. After spending some time boarding with humans, and stopping all mechanical and electrical machines on Earth for one hour to prove his powers, hence the title, Klaatu gets tracked down by the government and shot again.

It worked so well the first time you knucklehead!

 

Staving off death for a few moments he tells the World that if they continue their aggression towards space then Gort was going to destroy the Earth. Pretty scary look at ourselves in the mirror, and from one of those cheap sci-fi films too. How could we possibly fuck this up? Let's make it about environmental issues instead of nuclear, and let's have it star Keanu Reeves.

As Klaatu, not the more obvious choice of Gort.

 

Showing no human emotions and offering no chance for redemption Keanu is merely there to save animals from the destruction, cause we all know that animals don't do anything to destroy the environment. It takes the the Fresh Prince's kid and the hot chick from A Beautiful Mind to convince him that the world is worth saving.

 A little preventive genocide isn't always a bad thing.

Having no emotional tie to anything in this movie makes it painful to watch, and I actually found myself rooting for the alien nanobots, yes, there were nanobots. The heart of the original is the idea that we are capable of redeeming our murderous ways, even after we straight up murder the harbinger of the message. The story is all about second chances, not just an excuse to force some bullshit hot button with a bunch of CGI and destruction.

 Movie histories smuggest monster